The Legend of the Potato (excerpt)

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Just a short work, a byproduct of extreme procrastination. It is based on a potato riding a flying woman, trying to hold on for dear life. Has vivid descriptions and a penchant for dry, offensive humour.

Potato awoke upon a giant flying ball of flabs and moist excretory fluids. The woman’s mating call sounded like a whale enduring one hundred orgasms a second. As Potato hopped towards the helm of the fleshy creature, the woman’s head would turn 180 degrees and stared at him with bloodshot eyes, like some sort of doped up owl. She opened her mouth, showing her yellowing, splintered teeth and her black cratered tongue, and let out the most deafening, fucking ear-piercing sound ever known to man. A sound capable of immediately turning the sun into a red giant if not for the fact that human vocal cords are little more than muscle and blood. Potato shrieked and grabbed one of her oily, flabby breasts and swung himself under the woman. The stank coming from her nether regions could have skinned potato with their decomposing attributes, explaining Potato’s high energy consumption as his power is sucked from him and shared with other species.

The woman started shaking back and forth in the air, her flabby breasts, if not for the limit on how much skin can stretch, would have sagged enough to demolish the eiffel tower in terms of both width and height. Potato latched on for dear life, praying to his starch gods that he lives. The woman let out another ear-piercing scream, echoing across the waters and sands of the vast stretch of sand in Australia known as Bondi beach. She was the cause for Hurricane Patricia...no...she was hurricane Patricia. Her name was Patricia. Her breasts are hurricanes. Patricia slowly spun in the air, generating a quantum vacuum and morphing into a black hole. Potato held on to her breasts for dear life as her nether regions expunged an accelerating pulling force. He could hold on no more. As he fell, the woman’s flabs rippled as he rebounded off of her fatty, oily stomach hole (bellybutton).

She looked down at him and let loose a shit-eating grin before ripping the biggest expulsion of methane Potato had ever seen. The methane, if not for the atmosphere, would have disintegrated the solar system itself with the rancid smells emitted from her mud-hole. She was the reason Gary Busey got brain damage. Her asshole was the volcano Frodo had to throw the ring into. Gollum is probably still in there somewhere. Potato was ripped apart by the G-forces but his upper body held on to another G. Her G-string. As the G-string struggled to keep both Potato together and Patricia from letting loose another cosmic storm, Potato grit his soft teeth and climbed forward. He took hold of her flapping flabs, which then proceeded to morph into gravy. 

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