Lost youth



This story, took four bottles of strong bourbon to write. I just hope it reads well as I've not read it since I've placed the final dot. I also grave reservations about putting this out in the world, I need the feed back on this. As I believe in the message it has to say.

Dear reader.


            I have told this story, now, because now the world has woken up to its self. People now have started to stand up, and say “hey we should stomp this out.” This is one reason why I’ve wrote it now. But it’s not the main reason.

With this said, the main reason is for telling this story was, not just to point out to people, that not all people will follow the road down the same road to hell like their abuser. There is a group of people who have stood up and said ‘NO MORE’ and decided to stop the history repeating. This story I wrote and dedicate to them, for their the one’s who’s voice get drowned out but the worlds thinking, that people who were abused as a child will do it as an adult.

I know this maybe something you have never thought about. There is so many things people don’t think about, until it’s been put right in your face. I’ve spent many years noticing this. With myself and others. I’ve talked to people about this sort of situation, it came to close to home when it came to my daughter’s school. When I got the letter saying, ‘there has been a blue car with four men asking a child from the school, if they can give her a ride to school.’ My world of safety had just dropped out from me. It was talked about between the kids and us parents, are fear from most of us was magnified, by the parents who seemed not to worry. We didn’t really breathe easy, and when we did start to feel that we should start to the next incident happened. This made all of us parents gasp with shock and terror.

 In a way I’m amazed that some of the parents didn’t run to the school and pull out their babies right then and there. That was when the second report of a male being in the girl’s toilets, at the far end of the school, one of the young girls in prep went to the rest room and found him there waiting to try and ambush a child which just happened to be her. Of cause she screamed and ran, which sent the alarm bells off for the school.

 At this incident the kids of the school decided that they would keep a protective eye on the younger kids of the school. The older students, my daughter and her friends included, would spend their free time looking out for the younger students. I recall her and her friends, with some other students rounding up the younger kids on the oval  pushing them closer to the school buildings where the 12 teachers were always patrolling.

The principle was proud of the students and rightly so. They did show a level of maturity that was beyond their years. Then we were rocked by a third predator, you have to remember this my reader. The school wasn’t a big school it was a school which held less than 250 students and the biggest class was 23. But the school was more like a community. That’s what we liked, most of my daughters class mates for the 5yrs she was there, her class mates were made up of the kids she went to kind garden with. 

That’s what made the school so great was the fact that students and teachers as well as parents didn’t just respect each, they looked out for each other. Our town with our small school, was big; unlike Melbourne or its suburbs. It was just a coastal town where city folk came in droves and stayed during the long weekends, Christmas, Easter and school holidays. My kids loved it, we have since moved to where the sun shines more. From time to time the kids will ask ‘mom are we going to go back someday?” I tell them I don’t know.

Anyway I’m losing myself here; us parents we started watching more, taking more than a passing interest of who came and went from the school. Some of us parents would make sure to take care of the kids that wasn’t theirs, till their mom or father came. I was shocked to find how many kids I knew, I didn’t know their parents, but I knew them and had done so for years. I still recall having 5 kids I personally knew playing on the school playground. As I’m watching around the area, I would have kids that I didn’t know would come and say to me, ‘your Tabatha’s mom, can you please watch out for us?” this I did this gladly, the only rule I had was they must stay on the playground. Which they did without question. This my daughter was always happy with, she got to play with her friends.                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Yet if there was no parents watching the kids on the playground, then they were brought into the safety of the school building till someone that was registered to pick the child up came. This continued for months, along with the constant drive byes by the police. It took 12mths for us to start to breathe a little, not a lot, just enough. We were still trying to come to terms with how on earth a predator could do this to our school. To us it was scary.

At the time I wrote this book it was the right time to be written. Not seen but written. The world needed to wake from its slumber and come into the light where it needed to be. I’ve decided this story not just to my kids but to you the reader. The one who knows what I’m talking about and knows action needs to be done.

The world is waking and now it’s time for all of us to stand and have a voice heard by whoever will listen to it. Being a survivor, of child abuse, I am sorry to say l fall into the same box as the rest who have sadly lived my path in life. No matter how small or big. We are told we have been and so shall we. Wrong reader not all of us stand at the door of adulthood and say ‘I SHALL GO FORTH AMONG THE WORLD AND ABUSE AS I WAS ABUSED”. Yes some do but not all, I speak for them, I was 11years old when I told my abuser I wouldn’t do to my kids what she did to me, with a laugh she told me I would. This to her dismay made me more determined than ever not to follow her lead, but walk my own path.

I just have to look at my kids and they stand to attention like soldiers’ ready to say ‘yes ma’am no ma’am” it took years to get that response from my kids. But I can say with pride that I’ve never hit my kids or emotionally abuse them in anyway. But when they are in trouble they pick them self’s up and face me and my anger with courage. This gives me a sense of pride. They are strong because I’ve made them so. They believe the world is their oyster and that they are only limited by their fear of the unknown. When my kids say they cannot do something, I ask why not, normally I get a lame answer, which I quickly debunk and they push that little harder. When I see them for fill their goals, nothing better than seeing their pride shining and you see their faces saying to you ‘ see I did it’.

I never really had that, when I was growing up in the abusive house the world outside new it and they hid behind their perfectly mowed lawns and beautiful gardens, with my screams, I know all the doors that were open before wouldn’t be once all was done. I did try and tell someone, they would asked my guardians what was going on, they would lie and the beating and the emotional abuse would be worse. I would lay on my bed at night and think I just had to hold on, what for I had not bloody idea. All I know is I had too. That what my memory of the 80’s are, sept for the bad fashions that went with the times.

But I eagre you reader, don’t let child abuse, continue, as adults we have the power to protect. As we grow up we are programed from birth by who we look on as protectors and guides for the information for our moral compass. So as you put your baby’s to bed or talk to them, stop and think how you would feel if someone took their innocents away. A damaged child grows up to ne a damaged adult remember that. So don’t just sit there make noise about it. We do it for wife beating and woman and girls in India and Africa being gang raped. But what about the boys and girls in our own backyard? Who is outraged about them, who is making noise for them? ……………….





Vicky walks to her office balancing, a cup of coffee in one hand and a stack of files in the other. Vicky was closer to her office. When she seen a frightened, skittish Claire hovering around her door. She wasn’t surprised, she knew one of her girl’s; as she called them. She was proud to see them start their new life with all they needed to succeed. Yes to get them there was hard and demanding on her emotions. Yet, it was rewarding at the safe time. Running the blue rose was a dream come true.

 With the help of a large trust fund left to her by her late father. Which Vicky was surprised to find that the monthly allowance was more than enough to cover the buying of the old hospital which was the size of an old plantation house? The monthly allowance also was ample to keep the blue rose running. The dream of the house was born when she herself fell victim to a man’s dark side. She only dated him for a month, yet he couldn’t let her go, and started to stork her. Vicky was lucky, the police caught him in the act. But not all are.

She placed her coffee on the stack of files in her other hand. This was the first time she had managed to do it without losing her coffee. She opened her door and made her way to her desk which sat in the middle of the room. Claire followed; sheepishly. Claire could see by looking around that Vicky was good at organizing because the room was just big enough to only just two books shelfs, her desk and the two chairs. There had been shelfs attached to both sides of the two would be bare walls. Which all the shelfs had folders and other papers.

Vicky looked at Clair as she let the pile of files in her hand semi drop on the table. They made a semi heavy thud, this made Claire jump. “Oh sorry doll’s, they were heavy.” Vicky with a soft smile. Claire returned the smile, then sat down on the chair, but only partly thou. Vicky however was sitting in an antique chair that was modified for her.

Claire went to open her mouth to tell Vicky she wanted to go back, but she couldn’t find the words or the strength to even say them if she could. Claire was an oddest case, it actually reminded Vicky of someone else, which sort of helped in away. Claire didn’t really fit in anywhere in the house. All attempts by the other woman and girls failed. Claire was always the first to be to the helper where it was needed and if she couldn’t she would…. Vicky stopped her thought process, she knew that Claire wanted to return to her old life. Just like her friend, she was so like her in so many ways.

Vicky knew in that instant that Marie may not be happy, she was willing to pay that price to save this one girl. “So my dear ____ you need to talk?” Claire said nothing, just sat there looking scared and ready to run at a moment’s notice. Vicky leaned on the desk. “Is someone being mean here to you?” Claire answered no with a sheepish nod. Vicky kept asking different questions, she knew the answer to the one question she was dreading the most.

 Vicky breathed in hard, as she did so see caught sight of Marie walking passed her window, which gave Vicky the perfect idea. She didn’t want Claire to run. Without a second thought she leaned back in her chair and pulled open one of her draws. “I have a close friend that went through something just as bad as you.” Vicky said with a slight smile.

 Claire looked around, as if looking for a way out, but made no attempt to leave. Vicky placed a book in front of Claire, who moved closer. The way Claire looked at the book, it was like she had never seen one before. But that wasn’t why Claire was looking like that at it that way it was because of the title ‘Lost youth.’

Claire looked at Vicky who was looking at her. “You can keep a secret yea?” Vicky asked, Claire nodded her head. Vicky smiled and said “well’, then started going through her bag for some reason. “This book I wrote for my friend, we had it published but it didn’t reach best seller status, but it did ok. Anyway I need you to keep this between us. As I’ve not really……’ Vicky broke off as she stopped rummaging through her bag “blast it not it. So you will….” Vicky seen Claire was gone and so was the book. She smiled to herself.

 Claire headed out the back door but was stopped but the scary dark woman who always called her baby bear. This woman started not long after she came to the house. Claire couldn’t understand why, why was this woman doing this to her? She ran harder as the woman yelled out to her again.

“Hey baby bear! What ya got?” The scary woman asked. Claire didn’t stop to answer she just kept running for her tree in the back yard. Claire liked the tree, she could hid from everyone, and she climbed to her branch which sat close to the top of the tree. Due to the very thick trunk the sway was hardly anything at all, she settled on her branch, opened lost youth and began to read.

Life for my friend Marie started like normal. You know the story, boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married, have a child and then they lived happily ever after. Well that’s how it’s should have been. Well that’s how it should have been. Well not for my friend Marie. I don’t want to use her real name. Due to the fact she has three kids she wants to protect. Yet I wanted her story to be told. I had told her, ‘this story needs to be told”. There are so many people that have gone through the same thing or a similar thing. She looked at me blankly. I knew she was worried, scared and more than a little terrified. In the time it dawned on me to write this book, she had just faced her ex-partner that she had tried for the best part of 17yrs to forget. Before we continue, she wasn’t the one taking him to court; she is proud to say it was her eldest daughter. I can’t tell you the details of this as it’s not my story to tell. That is for her eldest to decide to tell. Now she tried to forget him and the hell he put her through. This sad story starts long before facing her ex-partner after 17yrs.

She came into the world the normal way. Marie is sure, at some point, her parents loved her and each other. Now her birth mother wasn’t really forth coming with the truth. Or about what caused the family unit to fall apart. She had asked her why they left her dad, for a few years, her birth mother would just fly into a rage, yell at her before dragging and locking her in her room. In time she came to see this question more as a loaded gun, than an inquiry. When the information was given about her father, the picture which was painted, for her wasn’t a pleasant one. Marie never went into much detail about what was said to her. All she would say when I asked was ‘he isn’t a nice person and he didn’t want me.” But we are getting off track here. As Marie once told me that her young life didn’t have the best foundation. She told me about her birth mother slept around with men to feed her drug habit, which resulted in Marie being neglected most of the time by her. She recalled the abuse suffered at her birth mother’s hands which resulted in her spine being damaged, she was only a year and half years old at this time. Her birth mother told her to stay in her room. Which really wasn’t actually a room; it was part of the caravan that had a heavy drapes that portioned off from the caravan. You see that day Marie hadn’t eaten anything, so she crept into the fridge to get a piece of chicken loaf sandwich meat. She never buys or eats this since that day. She had got away with it a couple of times; the unfortunate part was that her birth mother got drugs from the guy she slept with, when he had none with him that day. This was not good her birth mother was in withdrawal, when Marie was found in the fridge; she flew into a rage, she had proceeded to beat her then throw her into the frame of her bunk beds resulting in the damage to her spine.

The only reason the beating stopped as Marie recalls, is due to an old lady with a strong grip grabbed her and she was flying through the air. She laughed as she recalls it. Why she can laugh is beyond me, this isn’t a beautiful tale. But I suppose remembering that as a small toddler, if you can fly that would be funny. The strong grip belonged to the old lady who lived next door. She had told Cindy, Marie’s mother, that she would get her back once she cleaned herself up. I’m guessing Cindy must have. I’m also sorry to say, that the incident today still gives her health trouble. The years rolled on and life didn’t get much better. Marie told me about the day she was semi thrown into a car, with the slamming of the door a voice of her mother telling the driver to drive away, she looked out the back window, there was a guy trying to run after the car. Years later she asked her grandmother about it, she was told it was her father and he tried to kidnap her. After the close call her birth mother took her to a place that smelt of sick, blood and B.O. Their stay there was brief Cindy kept her on the move for some months.

Marie only had two stable homes in her childhood, one was with the lady she called ‘mom’. Before Marie found out Cindy was her birth mother, there was a real’ mom. She was kind and gentle, her brown eyes always said, ‘I love you’. Marie was happy there, she was loved and wanted. Then one day it was ripped away from her, like a bad dream. It couldn’t be happening, as she was driven away from her mom’s out stretched arms, Marie wasn’t to know that she was about to enter true living hell, and not for the 1st time in her life. It would be years later when she was pulled out of hell that her mom would come to save her. But this safety would be only for brief moment. It’s odd the passage of time seems when you look back to find where ones light has been.

The 2nd stable home and the entrance to her 2yrs of hell was a house of her grandparents. In Blacktown; now no her grandparents were the most god fearing people on the planet. Her grandmother was the typical gran, knitting and always baking. Her grandfather was the typical hard working family man. He worked at the rail yards. She told me, that she would walk down to see him and see the trains.

While she was living there, Cindy, had another child, a boy. Marie was 2yrs old by now. Marie wasn’t sure when things went downhill. All she knew was this was life, Cindy and her girlfriend were doing drugs. Cindy told her it was a way to escape, since she didn’t want to be a mother. That’s what Marie was told. Yet she also heard Cindy tell a family friend. “It was the 70’s and everyone was doing it.”     

She knew Cindy was prostituting herself to feed a drug habit proof of this was never found, it was just the way it was sutitley implied. Oh my friend’s life was normal, for a brief time, she doesn’t recall for how long, but she knows it must have been. The one thing Marie knows for sure is that her father, spent a lot of time away from home due to his job as a truck driver. Cindy didn’t have the mothering instinct, especially when it came to Marie. Cindy had caught her stealing food from the refrigerator. Cindy had gotten furious. Cindy didn’t understand that Marie hadn’t eaten any food all day. And snapped and started to repeatedly beating Marie.

 Marie remembers when she was only a year and half years old. To her shocked and horror she found Marie lying on the ground crying. Lisa picked her up. Marie lived with Lisa for a long time. She can’t be sure for how long all she knows it was the happiest she had ever been. Then one day it all came to an end with the arrival of Cindy, who picked her up. Being so young, she didn’t understand why she was being taken away from her mother. Cindy dragged her crying all the way to the car and put her in the back seat. Marie watched the woman who she thought was her mother for so long; standing there getting smaller. Cindy turned another in the seat. “Come on; stop crying, please for mommy”. This had confused Marie. In time she came to the realization that Cindy was her mother. That’s when she was left with her grandparents. Cindy had a son, which never left her side. Cindy took this boy when she left Marie to her “hell keeper”, which was her uncle.

Marie was only about 3yrs old, confused why did this woman who said she was her mother walked away from her? She had asked herself did she do something wrong? What did she do to make her mother not love her anymore? Her grandfather kept her busy, in time she forgot about being left behind. She loved going to the park with Candy the family dog, Candy in a way was her only friend. Marie had fond memories of her time with Candy. She walk to the railway station with Candy and life was good in this time of her younger days; she played with the neighbourhood kids. The weeks rolled into months. That’s when things started to change. The change came in the form of her uncle Barry coming home. Things were fine for a little while. Until the day he sat next to her; while she playing with her dolls in the back yard, and showed her a book. In this book were images of naked people. She didn’t know it was wrong to look at it. When her Aunt Kelly saw the book, she grabbed it. “What on earth you looking at this for.” She said in a horrified tone. Kelly had taken the book to her grandmother. Who was being a god fearing woman? Horrified to find her with such a book.         

She still remembers the arguments that it caused within the household. Her grandfather came into the front room where she was thrown to wait for him earlier. Her grandfather was a tall figure of a man. He was hard but fair. He had asked her where she had gotten the book from and she had told her grandfather the truth. That her uncle had given it to her. This news he took rather well from what Marie can recall she knew better than to lie to her grandfather.

Marie didn’t know if her uncle Barry got in to trouble for it. He never said anything and time went by. Her grandfather had given her a doll, when she was two years old; after she had lost her rag doll. The new doll she named Sonya. She had a pink checked bonnet, and matching dress, she had silver white hair, and baby blue eyes. Marie loved that doll so much she did everything with her. Where ever she went so did Sonya. Everyone could tell how much she loved that doll, what Marie didn’t know, was that her uncle Barry had noticed this too. He hatched his plan for her. The day came when he was asked to look after Marie. Her grandparents had to go out, because she couldn’t go with them. Her uncle Barry jumped at the change. Her grandparents left. Her uncle Barry had jumped at the chance. Her grandparents left. Her uncle then took the opportunity to have his way with her. Marie was playing with Sonya in the yard when Barry came over and asked her to grab him a knife from the kitchen. Marie did she was asked, she left her Sonya behind; and went to get the knife, upon her return, she found Sonya and her uncle nowhere in the backyard. Her uncle stepped out from the wood shed. He asked her to come to him. He had a strange smile on his face. Marie didn’t notice it was strange and she had followed him into the wood shed. She didn’t know her uncle was about to take her innocents from her. When he took the knife from her, she looked around the wood shed. There were wood logs all the way to the roof. She had wondered if she could climb the stack without it all falling.

She was only a toddler, her trust in her uncle was like anyone who looks on an adult who is family. The fear came when she felt her body move into the shed, and placed on the wood pile. Then darkness engulfed the wood shed. It wasn’t long before her eyes adjust to the dark. The 2nd time she felt a stab of fear, was when the felt the knife pressed against her skin, the cold steal sitting against her throat. She remembered the soft voice of her uncle against her ear and shivered when she told me his words. “Don’t move or scream because no one will hear you”. Marie didn’t move a muscle. Fear had gripped her like a vice. She felt him move away but the knife stayed against her throat. She felt him rip her panties from her cheeks and she felt a searing pain in her abdomen. It only took her a moment to realization that the pain was between her legs. She felt the warmth of some liquid but didn’t know what. The pain came again, but this time she let out a scream, she couldn’t understand why on-one was coming. She screamed with each strike of pain. She started screaming louder and told me she felt like her lungs were going to burst.

She felt a hand go over her mouth and she tried to bite it. She had found it hard to breath, then everything went dark. The last thing she recalled was the smell of greenwood and the pain that wasn’t going away. The next thing she knew her uncle was carrying her into the house. She looked down and seen a small amount of blood on her legs. He placed her in the bath. The pain as the water hit her lower body made her cry. He had looked down at her. “If you tell anyone they won’t believe you, if you tell Sonya will get it”. Marie stopped crying. She didn’t want anything to happen to Sonya was her friend, her best friend. He washed her cloths and finished washing her, then got her dressed, and then put her in the front room. Marie started to cry and yell. “Where is Sonya?” It seem like a whole day had gone past before her uncle brought Sonya in.

Her grandparents came into the room. Her grandfather came over and picked her up and gave her a big hug. She hugged him back, so hard she thought her small hands were going to melt into his skin. “Ha, you missed me did you my poppet”. Marie gave her grandfather a small smile. Her grandfather turned to her uncle and asked. “You bathed her?” “Yes dad she got into the garden and got mud all over her.” She was going to tell her grandfather that he had lied. But her uncle gave her a strange nasty look then showed Sonya. The fear that gripped her in the shed was back, she thought her uncle was going to hurt Sonya, so she lied to her grandfather for the first time in her short life. She felt so bad for lying to him, but Sonya was going to be hurt and she didn’t want that. When her uncle was asked to watch her again, he jumped at it. She don’t know how long it was when the 2nd time her uncle had her. Yet she still remembers it, just like it was just yesterday.

I asked once. How could she remember, so well? She looked at me with one eye. The other was covered with her long fringe, replied distantly. “I don’t dream like everyone else. I sleep in a nightmare. And it is always the same, what my uncle did to me.” I didn’t know what to say. What do you say when you find out the person in front of you, seems to be the most fun loving, caring and easily the most lovable person l know, lives in that constant hell. It made me want to throw up.

Back to what l was saying, she went looking for Sonya and her uncle. She found them both in the attic. The attic was a small room at the front of the house. There was a doll that sat on an old chair, with some broken toys, and boxes. The room smelt like it hadn’t been opened for years. Marie went in the room, she found Sonya sitting on the floor. No sooner she was in the room. The door closes almost silently behind her, her uncle looked at her in the same way he did the first time when he took her innocents.

So this time she know what was going to happen. Fear had gripped her, she couldn’t move. He picked her up. That’s the first time she found that she could leave her body behind. She went to a place that warm and safe. She didn’t want to feel the pain. She didn’t want to know what her uncle was doing to her. All she knew, was that she didn’t want it to happen again, she wanted someone to make it stop. Her only way to get away was to leave her body behind and let her mind take her a safe place. Her safe place. Her safe place had a big dragon that she called Atriums. He kept her mind safe. She would dream sometimes that he would come to life and eat her uncle. But he never did. Her uncle started the same way. He held onto Sonya and said. “Remember you scream or tell Sonya gets it.” Marie didn’t scream or say anything.

By the time her uncle was finished with her she was sore, but there was no blood this time. He walked out this time, he stopped by the door; put his finger to his mouth, to indicate he wanted her to say nothing. She brought Sonya close to her and with tears filling her eyes and hugged her tightly. Time passed. Marie had her birthday. It was not long after that, that her uncle looked after her again. This time he took her on a bike ride, she could hear the sound of the tyres rolling on the ground. It was a strange sound and after that day she wouldn’t go on a bike again. Her grandparents had brought her one, but she never went near it.    

Her uncle Henry asked her why she wouldn’t ride her bike. She said nothing to protect Sonya. Her uncle had taken her far from the house up the dirt road that was right of the house. He seemed to ride for a long time. In fact it most likely wasn’t. He stopped where there was a house that had boards on the windows. He walked her around the back. That’s when he took her panties off. But this time he wanted her to play with him while he played with her. He felt strange, she knew she didn’t have one, but it was soft in her hands, and it smelt funny. He told her what to do with it. Suddenly it became hard in her hand she quickly let it go. Her uncle got mad at her, grabbed her hand and said. “I will tell on you, Pop will believe me over you”. The idea that her grandfather would take his side sent a cold shiver down her spine. If she did tell him he could send her away. She didn’t want to go away. “You know if you tell him he will send you away, and you will be put in a room with no Sonya and no toys”. Marie didn’t mind the no toys but no Sonya that was a different matter. “You know if you do this one thing for me, I can make sure you never get sent away, so be a good girl and just move your hand up and down like this”. Her uncle said. She did as he asked her. She didn’t know why he wanted her to do it. She knew if she did she could stay, after a time. How long she didn’t know. He had gotten really hard, and then this strange white liquid came out. “What is that uncle?” Marie asked. He said nothing. He just pulled out a hanky out of his pocket and cleaned himself up. He turned to Marie and said. “Now remember, say nothing or pop will send you where all the naughty kids go.”

He put Marie on to the handle bars of the bike then rode home. When they got back home her Uncle’s friend was there. She asked him who he was. “I’m the man in the moon”, was his reply. Marie thought nothing of this answer, and then looked to see where her uncle was. She could not see him anywhere that’s when she said. “If you’re the man in the moon, can you watch over me tonight?” He gave her a puzzled look, before he said. “Yes. I will look over you tonight.” Marie left him by the gate. She walked inside the house. She watched him and her uncle walk down the street. Inside she was hoping that he wouldn’t tell her uncle what she asked him. That night she was put to bed in the front room. Like every night. Yet this one night was different. This night her uncle came in the room. It was dark so he couldn’t see where he was going. There was a strange sound. It sounded like he was knocking on wood. But there wasn’t any wood in front of her. All she knew was that tonight he couldn’t find her.

He closed the door, she waited. When she thought it was safe, she got out of bed and tried to go to the door. For some strange reason she had walked into a book case. Yet there was no book case there during the day. She picked up one the books. She could feel the pages under her fingers and the wind it made when she flipped the pages. The smell, dust, she didn’t know what to make of it but she was happy that her uncle couldn’t get at her.

In the morning she told her grandfather that she found a book shelf in the room. He looked at her with an odd look. As he sat there eating his toast. He had a look on his face like he was trying to work out what to say. Once he was done he looked at her and smiled. Well my little fairy cakes, it sounds like someone or something was looking out for you. Then turned back to the plate where his 2nd bit of toast waited to be eaten. Marie wanted to say something, but she seemed to be lost for words. Everyone ate without saying anything, yet you could cut the silent with a knife.    Once Marie had finished her breakfast she got up and went outside to play. Her uncle Barry had already left. The weeks rolled on before he could get hold of her again. It would a brief encounter this time. He seemed to be jumpy. Like he thought he was being watched? This time he was more ruff with her, he pushed her into the workshop. She landed on the dirt floor with such force she cried as her bum hit the floor. He moved quickly over to her and placed his hand over her mouth, “Funking shut your mouth, and do you want Sonya to get it.” Marie couldn’t say anything but shook her head no, tears ran down her face. She couldn’t stop him even if she tried to. He ripped her panties off. He looked down at her, briefly then rammed his fingers inside her. She opened her mouth to yell, he quickly slammed his hand over her mouth, which made her cry more. He stopped. Then got up and walked out of the workshop and locked it behind him. She didn’t move. She just curled up in the fettle position and didn’t move till he came back. She hid behind the cupboard that was partly away from the wall. When he came in and seen she wasn't where he left her. He started to look around for her. She could hear him moving things around. Suddenly his face was looking at hers. He reached in and grabbed her long hair; the pain was more than she could bear. She let out a scream. Next thing she knew she was on the floor. He was inside her, and then there was suddenly a new pain. This time it was her mouth that was hurting. She didn’t know what was going on, she tried to scream. It was no use, he was holding himself in her mouth. She put her hands on him, and tried to push him off. Then she had seen the blood oozing through her fingers. He got off her. She had just got up, there was a hand coming towards her. As it connected, she hit the side of the work bench then everything went dark.

By the time she came round. She could feel the warmth of the sun on her face. There was a scream. She knew it wasn’t her, it sounded like an older lady, she felt herself being passed to another person, the lady that was screaming. “God please not her, oh my god it’s the Horton girl”.

“You know mother she was left in the work shed. Mother we need to get her to hospital.” A deep voice said. The voice got more worried. “Mother come on, hurry before she bleeds to death”. She felt herself being lifted. She only opened her eyes briefly. A pair of water filled blue eyes looked at her, and then everything went dark again. The next time she opened her eyes she seen her grandfather sitting beside her. She couldn’t say anything, because she was still so tired.

It was sometime before she well enough to go home. She didn’t want to go back, because she knew what and who was waiting there for her. As she reached the gates of her grandparents’ house, she stopped, looked up at her grandfather. He looked lovingly down at her and said just loud enough for her to hear. “It’s ok; he is no longer going to hurt you. I promise”. With a squeeze of his hand they walked through the gate. She was always on her guard. When she wanted to go outside, she always looked around to see where her grandfather was. After some time, which seemed like a lifetime, which was only a few months? She felt safe enough to go outside by herself. Which she did, often, until one day her uncle? Barry turned up out of the blue. He stood at the gate. He just watched her. She didn’t see him at first, when she did, he smiled at her. She screamed, by the time she took a breath to scream again, she felt herself fly through the air, looking up and seen her grandfather carrying her. He didn’t stop running until he reached the front room. He told her to stay and not to leave. Then he ran back outside, in the time Marie got to the window in the family room. Both her grandfather and Uncle Barry were outside by the gate. She couldn’t hear what was being said, she could tell what her grandfather said was not good because her uncle Barry threw a punch at him, which connected with her grandfather. Then she herd him yell out. “You’re not welcome here, and you’re no longer my son”. That was the last she saw him, til years later.

She can’t remember when she went back to live with her mother, life with her mother was well, but she hated Marie. Her mother would constantly put her down whenever she got the chance. The beatings were the worst. She had to do all the house work for Cindy. If it wasn’t done the way Cindy wanted she would be beaten for it, and had to re do it all over again.

Marie lived with two half-brothers, Jay and Tim, Tim was two years older than and Jay was very young. It always amazed Marie why she got into deep for what the boys did wrong. She of cause found out later on it was because she was a girl and meant to be to image of her father. She summoned enough courage one day and asked why she didn’t just send her to her dad, Cindy laughed and informed her that she wasn’t going to do that cause then she would have anyone to take her anger out on.

Even though, Marie weren’t always under Cindy’s control. There were times she could breath, I watched her body language change when she spoke of her time way from the abusiveness at home. I could tell you about them but this is not the story that needs to be told, between being locked in her room on a constant basis, which unbeknown to Cindy, Marie found away in and out, she tried to run away once; she didn’t get far, sorry to say, since she was only 6yrs old she was brought back to the family home. She had told the police what was going on. Because they took the parents side, Marie paid the price for the police’s failure to protect. Things were quiet for a while. Things didn’t change till her uncle Barry and his mate who just got out of prison, Marie was 8yrs old. She had pleaded with Cindy to turn them away, and fell on deaf ears. The month he was under the same roof was more than Marie could bare, plus when her uncle and his mate left she could stop being scared to sleep or shower. During the time her uncle was with them he had told her that his mate wanted to taste of her. This always struck fear into her. She didn’t know what he meant by that statement, she found out the day when his mate cornered her in the cubby house at the back of the house. After he was done he said something to her uncle, which she couldn’t make out what due to all the laughing. One thing she did hear was her uncle saying how right he was.

 A week before they were going to leave, her uncle and his mate tried once more, this time however she decided to stand up to them. Which was a bold move for an 8yr old, it didn’t quite work the way she had played it out in her head. Both men got their way, afterwards they locked her out of the house, which wouldn’t have been bad if it wasn’t so hot, by the time Cindy and her husband came back Marie had just passed out due to the heat exhaustion. The neighbour who lived on the driveway side took Marie to the hospital, the neighbour stayed with her till she was released, Marie tried once more to tell someone what was going on, and once again it fell on deaf ears. After her uncle and his mate left Cindy’s husband said that he was not allowed back in the house because he had stolen money from him. Whether it was true or not, she didn’t care she was glad that they could no longer around to hurt her any more.

When her grandfather was alive he would take Marie away from the hell that was her home life. Yet there was a saving light that from time to time would burn for her. That was Kelly. Marie saw her as her mother, since whenever there was a chance to get away from Cindy, that's where she would go. She was a wonderful warm person. She showed Marie how smart and beautiful, she was. Kelly told her every time she saw her. But this sadly was taken away from her. Kelly and Cindy had had a big fight over Marie. Kelly wanted Marie to live with her full time but Cindy wasn’t going to have it. The yelling continued for hours. Of cause this was not the first time Cindy had the chance to do the right thing for her daughter. Marie found out years later that her father wanted her, Cindy had said no to him too.

 Now she was truly was on her own. She had no-one in her corner. The years rolled on, the beatings got worse. Marie’s grandfather had died when she was ten. This was a crushing blow for her, since she was close to her grandfather. Now she felt truly alone. It was yet to get worse. After her grandfather died, Cindy took Marie back to Blacktown. And left her at her Aunt Beth’s house, which was just like her own home life. Her aunt made her do all the house work while she sat in her kitchen chain smoking.

That's when she was home. When her Uncle Henry came to the house. He stood up to sister over the way she had been treating Marie. Little did she know that at the time that this trust would be broken? One night her aunt was with her sister at their mother’s home. Her uncle Tray was watching a horror movie. Marie had been told to vacuum the front room floor. That's where her uncle was; when he got up and made his way to her, her first thought he was helping. Because he was telling her what spots she had missed. When she was done she started to pack the vacuum, he had noticed she was having problems putting the cord away. Her uncle had got back up to help.

This was not what he really had in mind. He had started to tickle her. Which at first she found funny; it wasn’t till he had her on the front room floor, that he suddenly turned nasty. He slammed her down on the floor whenever she tried to get up. She tried to push him away, that's when he ripped her pants off, then raped her. When he was done he got up and fixed his pants up, and told her to tell her aunt that he was going to the pub. Marie was crying, before he left, he walked back to her, then preceded to tell her that her Uncle Barry was right she was a good root. Marie got up and ran out of the house. She ran out of the street and half way down the adjacent road to a house that she knew belonged to her Uncle Henry’s mate.

As they opened the door she rushed in; without taking a breath she had said what her uncle Tray had done. She pleaded with them to say nothing, this hadn’t happened because Cindy and Beth would be mad. Cindy had called her a slut and accused her of turning her brother-in-law on. This confused Marie, she could have understood if she was an adult, yes you could say that. But she was a ten year old girl. Now here is a question for you, how does a ten year old turn an adult on by cleaning? Even tho Beth was pissed off with Marie, she seemed madder with Tray. At night, she could hear her aunt and uncle talking. At one point she had kicked him out of their marriage bed. Her uncle had come into the bedroom she was sleeping in. He was blaming her for what was going on. Which brought her aunt out and she started yelling at him and this made him walked out of the house. Marie didn’t know where her uncle went to, she didn’t care. All she was worried about, was she was safe for the night. In the morning her aunt came into the room, she stood there for a moment, just looking at her, and then left the room without closing the door.

Marie walked out of the room. She had her breakfast. Once finished, her aunt told her to wash the dashers. Her aunt watched the world outside the window. Marie was only halfway through the dishes when her aunt told her to stop what she was doing and go to the bedroom she was staying in there. Marie did what she was asked. She closed the door. Since the room was right next to the kitchen. She listened through the door. She could hear her grandmother and mother talking. Her grandmother came into see her, her mother stayed with her sister. Her grandmother asked her if what she had said to the neighbours was true. She told her it was. Her grandmother had looked at the carpet on the floor. Then she gave her a hug, whispered. “I believe you.” Then got up and walked out. She could hear her grandmother tell her mother and aunt, that she had spoken to Marie. There was a short silence, and then her grandmother said that she believed Marie. Her mother was not happy about this, she never came into the room to talk to her. They stayed for a bit longer. When Marie heard the door open and closed, she looked outside the window through the curtain, she seen her mother, aunt and grandmother walking down the street. Marie lay on the bed. She was at her aunt’s house for another week. When it was time to go back home, her mother picked her up and all she said to her was, “come.”

Her mother said nothing. They were not home long when her step father found out. He was not too happy. Her step father had asked her what happened, which she told him. She also told him about her uncle Barry; when she had told her mother about this her mother said. “L don’t think so, he would have only just fondled you, nothing more”. She then left the room. This of cause left Marie feeling very disillusioned. Why was she being like this? Why wasn’t she getting on the phone to the police? But the most important question that crossed her mind was. Why she was not angry about the fact that her own brother had taken her little girls virginity? These questions would be answered in her early 20’s.

 After this had happened she found that each night her mother would lock her bedroom door. Marie didn’t really care cause once the door was locked she could leave her room. Now you would be thinking that she actually left her room. This would be a mistake. You see Marie would leave what was going on at home, by picking up a book and running away that way. Whenever her mother and step father would beat her, she would be locked in her room and she would escape inside a book. She found that it was a good way of not feeling or thinking of the pain of not being loved or the pain of the beatings.

Marie told me about the time she had for six weeks wagged school. This happened in her 2nd year of high school. It would have been longer if her Brother Tim didn’t turn up at home, very drunk. Of cause this made Cindy very mad. When Marie had told her about being picked on and beaten up, but Cindy made light of this, in fact Cindy had told her she was making it up. The only one that actually believed her was her head master.

This made her mother and step father make up a book with each of their lessons. At the end of each lesson they had to get their teacher to sign the book to say they were there. Cause she had to see a teacher to get him to sign her book. At this point her brother was being told that she had left school at lunch time. Her brother had asked her about this, Marie had told him that she had been at school all day, her brother didn’t believe her. So upon returning home that night, he had told his mother and step farther. As soon as Marie had walked in, she had jumped on her. Marie had told her mother the truth, when her step father had asked her about this. It didn’t seem to make any sense. Then her mother said to her step farther. “Do it”. She looked from her mother to her step father, who grabbed her by the hair. “You’re sure?” Her mother just nodded her head. Her step father had dragged her outside. She had yelled out that what she was told was a lie. But Cindy made no move to save her. Once in the shed her step father asked her for the truth for the last time. The answer that she had given was not the one he wanted. With this he picked up a lump of 4 b 2. Once he had it in his hand he had started swing it around the shed. Out of the 26 times he swung 20 times it connected. After he had finished she was bleeding from different places from her head. Her mother told her to have a shower. As she stood under the shower, she watched the blood running down the plug hole. It took some time for the bleeding to stop.

Time passed. Then one day she was sitting at the table doing her homework. When her mother told her and her brother; that their father wanted to see them. Not thinking it was their birthfather. So they walked in to the front room. As they stood there, their step father looked up from the newspaper. “Yes, what you want?” they both looked at each other before they said. “Mom said you wanted to see us.”

“No I didn’t, why?” He said.

“But mom told us your father wants’ to see you.” Marie said.

“Not me you’re birthfather wants’ to see you.” He said.

They went back into the kitchen. Cindy had said it was up to them, Tim had said “I don’t want to see him.” Marie said nothing, she was lost. Much later that night Marie had asked Cindy about her father. All she would say about him was that he left them but didn’t want us. She wasn’t sure that her mother was telling her the truth. A couple of days later Marie told her that she wanted to see her birthfather. At the time she thought that things would be better with her father. Even tho she wasn’t sure, but she thought life with him must be better than what she has already experienced.

Before I continue, I must let you know that through the years Marie has told me bits and pieces, like her mother had her doing all the house work by the time she 8yrs old. And cooking by the time she was 9yrs old. She was also spent a lot of time locked in her room. If the family went out shopping they would lock her in her room. Anyway let’s continue on.

They took off to their father who lived in another state. They were only spouse to go there, then come back at the end of their school holidays. Marie had decided she wanted to stay. When her brother found out that she was not going back so he decided to stay too. Things with her father was better, they had their problems. Her father Lance had fumbled in dealing with teenage kids. But he found life easier, with just Marie and himself. Life was great. Ok she had a busy life. Because she had to do things like a wife, like paying bills, washing as well as doing the shopping? Her father was working long hours. So there was time’s when she was home alone. Which Marie at times wishes she could change? But she understood why though. I got to give you some back ground information, now Marie’s father had no experience raising teenagers. And he freely admits this. So to him it was ok, to let Marie go to night clubs, but her father didn’t know, Marie had friends that kept an eye on her.  

While she was living with her father, that’s when she met her, eldest child’s father. She had met him at a night club. Her father had told her that it would be good for her to get out. But the guy she 1st met her daughter’s father’s brother, John she had danced with him for most of the night. Then she had seen her father whom asked her to come to him. He gave her a soft drink and asked if she was being careful. She had told him about the great guy she had met. He father seemed to be happy. She went back to dancing with John. She was dancing with him; his brother Sam. He was good looking. He had an air of conference. He was smooth; he had a way of making her feel like she was special. Sorry to say this was an act, it sucked you in. Time went on and Sam and John came to visit Marie at her father’s home. They both were polite and well presented, even when her father said they should go and Marie didn’t want them too, Sam said. “You should listen to your dad.” This would have given Sam brownie points in the father’s eyes. He would ring her every day at the same time every day, like clockwork. Without much time there was a power struggle between the two brothers. Since them both wanted the same girl, which came to a head when Sam asked her to choose between the two. Because Marie’s sister who was young at the time, she liked Sam. But Marie was torn between the two. In the end she chooses Sam over John.

Things were fine for a while; they went out, movies dinner. Then because the odd things happened that she couldn’t explain happened Sam took the opportunity to use this to his advantage. He started to make Marie think that her dad was sexually abusing her. When he wasn’t, then Marie decided to run away from home with Sam’s help. They moved from refuges to refuges until they were able to get a place of their own. Her father had found out where they were living and came to the flat. Sam made Marie make her father believe that she was going to come back home. So he got her to pack some stuff that she didn’t need in a suit case, and then gave it to her father. Sam had told Marie’s dad that he would drop her around, but this didn’t happen. He took her to a friend’s place, and waited for a bit.

 When Marie didn’t come home her father turned up with the police who told him that they couldn’t force me home because she was close to 16yrs old, this meant they were powerless to do anything. This was the end, Sam had won and he knew it. It wasn’t long before Marie’s 16th birthday that she found she was pregnant with her first child. She was a month pregnant on her 16th birthday. At one point during her pregnancy she went into town and seen her father at a coffee shop, she just sat there watching him for some time. Later she found out it was his shop. The seconded time she went there she plucked up enough courage to tell her father she was going to have a baby. Her father was not happy, what hurt and crushed the most was he told her she was not his daughter. She left crying, Sam filled her head with more lies, then made her ring Cindy and made her tell her everything, which she did.

Cindy told her to come home. Things between them at this point and time was not good, Sam had started seeing her friend’s mother, he told her it wasn’t true but her friend’s mother didn’t deign the relationship. He had started asking her if she was seeing someone on the side, she kept telling him no, but he didn’t seem to believe this. Then when his dad came in the picture things got worse for Marie. His father had convinced him that the baby she was carrying was not his. Sam had tried to kill the baby before it was born, with getting Marie to hold two screw drivers while he pulled the cord on an out board motor. Which made him laughed? He also started seeing a woman next door to where they were living then broke it off with her, which he knew she would come after Marie to kill her baby because he told her that's why he was breaking up with her.

He also took her for a drive and for some strange reason her seat belt and the car door came open when he was driving and took a corner sharply. Marie flew out of the car, with some quick thinking she grabbed the car door and hung on for as long as she could, when she couldn’t hold on any longer she put herself in a ball so she could protect her baby. With Marie still with child he came up with the last plan, he pushed her down the stairs at his mother’s place. This still didn’t work. With this he abandoned the attempts to end the pregnancy. Yet when Marie told him she was not going to Melbourne with him that she was going back to her father he asked her why she had told him that she had enough of him trying to kill her or the baby, he laughs and told her she was mad, and he would do that because he loved her.

Without proof she could do nothing. He had asked her if she had proof he did these things. The thing that concreted in her mind that she was wrong was when he told her that there was an explanation for all that happened. With the car; it was old and it has happened before with his brother. The fall; this was explained away with your ankles have twisted on you before, with each lie she fell deeper and deeper into the hole that would hold her for 8yrs.

 By the time he was finished he had her convinced she had blown it all out of proportion. He sealed it with ‘if you think I would do this to the woman of my dreams and my unborn child then I will let you go and never see you or bother you again’. Then started walking he had not gotten far before he pulled the final act out of his hat. The fall to the floor and act like he could not breathe and had chest pains. Of cause she brought the lie, and ran to his side, she said that she was sorry to thinking such things; he told her he couldn’t live without her and other lies.

 It was not the only times he convinced her he was either right in what he had said or done. Marie told me about a time when he went down to her work, because she smiled at one of her male workers after he helped her with something. Sam had seen this; the next day he had come down to her work at lunch time and went to beat the co-worker up, as you imagine Marie wasn’t happy she was less happy when at the end of the day she got called into the office by her boss and got her last pay check and let go. Sam told her that he was telling someone that he wanted her; this Marie found hard to believe since the guy was in his 70’s. Not long after that Sam started working for a small goods store. Marie’s girlfriend’s mother worked there and got him a job there. That’s when Sam started seeing her friend’s mother.           

Not long after she found out, he left his job, and took her to his mothers. Who was packing up the old family home, she still didn’t seen how cruel he was becoming even when he killed her dog, he had shot him 40 times, when she realized that he was shooting the dogs she broke away from Sam’s mother and ran to her dog. With tears in her eyes she made her way to him. All the while Sam kept shooting him. The 56th shot came when he was in Marie’s arms. She has never got over loosening him; Sam would not dare to hit Marie while he was around. He had tried once but her dog tried to rip him to bits.

By the time they started out for their voyage to Melbourne, things between them were good again. The first 24hrs in Melbourne they spent with his aunt and her husband. They were nice to her; his aunt told her what she should be eating for a healthy baby, and other bits of information. Then the next day, she with Sam set out to Cindy’s place. At first her mother didn’t know who she was, she was a stranger. Once she told her mother it was her daughter she seemed to be more shocked that she was on her doorstep early. She and Sam lived with Cindy and her husband, for a time. Sam found a job and then they saved up for a place of their own. Everybody loved Sam, they thought the sun shined out his ass, even the girl who lived up the road that she had known since she was a kid, seemed to be very interested in Sam.

They lived around the corner, from the family home. After she had gone for a walk one day and decided to go and visit Cindy, once she reached the back door she found Sam fixing his pants up and Cindy doing the buttons of her dressing gown up. She didn’t confront them on it, even though she should have, instead she just went home.

She didn’t want to jump to conclusions; she did ask him about it about a week after, he told her that her imagination was running away from her, and that being pregnant was messing with her brain. But unbeknown to her he had another plan up his sleeve; this one was just as isolating as the first. He used the non-existent relationship with her mother against her by concreting the hate between mother and daughter, and other family members. She had tried on different occasions to tell her mother and her husband that Sam was beating her and putting her down as well as making her life hell, Cindy told her ‘he is your partner and that’s that, and she has to stand by him no matter what.’ This left her confused and alone. By the time her 1st born girl came into the world, she felt more alone than ever. When her daughter was born, Marie had sarcome to post natal depression. She was seeing a shrink and she told him about all the things that Sam was doing and he was on her side for a time till he met Sam, after that he had told her that she had imagined all that was going on. At one point the darkness that had consumed her so much that she had tried to kill herself. She had tried to tell anyone who would listen what was going on, but as always Sam stepped in and told them that as a new mother, she wasn’t sleeping to well and just need rest, which he would make sure she did.

The one person who did listen was Cindy’s mother-in-law. She also tried to tell Marie’s parents what was going on and the concerns she had for her granddaughter. But sadly to say because she was a drunk they pushed whatever she said aside. Her grandmother at one point tried to talk her into leaving Sam. He found out and they all put a stop to her putting her nose in.

The rest of the family was not fairing to good, John was having problems of his own, which his father and Sam were making bigger. John’s girlfriend moved in with Marie and Sam, since they were kicked out of their flat and she wanted to be close to John, who was in hospital with a break down. During this time she and Sam were sleeping together. She had proof because she rang the hospital to have a message pasted onto Sam and found they had not been there to see John all week, which was odd due to the fact that they were going there every day to see him. She confronted the both of them, which resulted in Marie getting the 1st of many beatings, plus the burn on her chest.

John’s girlfriend moved out once John come out of the hospital. Life had gotten worse with Sam and Marie. Sam would tell Cindy and her husband what she was doing wrong, and would tell them how he didn’t know what he was doing wrong. Then when they came over would beat her and tell her off for all the things wrong and yell at her for not doing all the things she should be doing as a mother and wife. This always got Marie; she never understood why they were not trying to help. They never did. One day her mother came to her door crying because her and her husband had a fight over them, Marie didn’t really believe this, due to the fact that a week before she had asked her if she was sleeping around; which Marie had told her mother why should she sleep around when between her and Sam they were doing enough sleeping around. Her mother deigned sleeping with Sam or any other man.

Cindy said she was leaving and never coming back, so her mother on her door step saying she needed help was odd and funny to her. She of cause didn’t show any sympathy. Sam’s plan had worked. It was sometime before they started talking again. During this time, Sam had kicked Marie out of the house they were living at 4 times. Over a four months. By the time he let her back in the house his dad was back in his life. This was the beginning of the end. His dad promised him much; but as always gave him nothing. They moved to Portland when Anna (baby 1) was 9mths. Things went bad to really bad, they were only there for a few months, and then they moved in with his sister and her partner, for a while. Then they moved from there to a 3 bedroom place of their own. While they lived there; her brother who was sent to her to clean up from drugs, which his mother helped fund. And the beatings got worse, one beating resulted in her loosening a baby, everything got worse, Sam’s cheating, lying got out of control. But Sam was happy because Marie had nowhere to go.

She left him a couple of times, each time he begged her to come back, made promises he knew he would not keep. Until one day it all comes to a head when she had had enough. She called her dad up, crying she told him she and her daughter wanted to come home. He agreed, so she went home. I would love to say that is where this tale ends but it’s not. I'm sorry to say he come to her made more promises and once again she fell for them. His mother asked her why she left him; she told her she was sick of the beatings as well as the mental torment he was putting her through.

His mother’s response was like telling a child not to play in the dirt, when she told him he shouldn’t do that to Marie. Sam told her that he would see her father and pick up their things and let him know not to worry because they were going to work things out. This didn’t happen of cause, once again Sam had pulled her and her daughter away from the only man that would stand up to him without fear. Sam dragged her back to Melbourne, and this time he brought her back to where his dad was living. After 2yrs of beatings and more hospital stays and rapes. The last beating left her sore and bruised, but this didn’t worry her, what did was the statement that came out of her 4yr old little daughter. ‘You can kill mommy when she is asleep daddy.’ Sam seen Marie standing at the door, he smiled at Anna then said ‘what are you talking about, I didn’t say I was going to kill mommy.’ Then the reply from an innocent child rang through, ‘but daddy you asked me when should you kill mommy.’ Sam tried to play it down. It didn’t work, and he knew it, then the last threat was made ‘this place better be clean or else you will be dead when your baby wakes in the morning.’ Then left; taking Anna with him.

Oh nearly forgot, to add to this problem she already had on her plate. Gary Sam’s father, had told Sam that Marie had an orgy with ten men while Sam was at work. Truth was two Mormans were trying to get her to buy their bull about being the true religion had visited. Now Marie had Gary’s girlfriend’s two kids and Anna with her. She had tried to tell them to leave and the reason why. To them it didn’t matter. Sam had beat Marie badly this time. She had bruises everywhere. A neighbour had seen her with her daughter at the beach; they asked what happened. Of cause Marie told them a story they didn’t believe her, they had told her if she ever needed a way out to come to them and they would help. Over a 4mth period before the last threat was made; Marie and her daughter would go and spend time with the neighbour. A friendship grew and one day she told her the truth. Over a couple of weeks leading up to the break-up of the relationship Marie was begged to leave him but Marie was too scared. Not just because of Sam, but also the fact if she left him Cindy had said that she would no longer be her daughter. Marie had told me if she knew she would be better off without her mother she wouldn’t have cared.

Anyway after Sam had threaten Marie they came back just before Anna’s bedtime. Sam let Marie put Anna to bed, then he called her into the front room. He had a dust pan in his hand; very slowly she came to him. He threw the sand that was held in it at Marie. Then proceeded to beat her. After he was done he threw her down the steps of their coastal home. Sam had told her if she wasn’t gone by the time he went and got the gun he would shoot her on the spot.

Marie told Sam she would leave until he brought Anna out to her. He laughed and told her that Anna wasn’t her daughter, she was just the carrier. Marie stood her ground. Sam went inside and returned with a gun, he shot at the ground near her feet, frightened, she ran down to the beach, all the while Sam reloaded and fired at the ground until she reached the rocks, which was on the shore line. Marie ran over the tops of the rocks in the dark. The only light was from the moon. Marie didn’t stop running over the rocks, which at times were not stable, she didn’t stop thou, her heart pounding hard beneath her chest, at times so hard she could hear her own heartbeat. Once she jumped the neighbour’s fence, and stopped her running she found she couldn’t breathe. She tried to call out but not a sound could be made. She had managed to crawl to the back door, despair kicked in once she found they were not home. She collapsed there. Darkness filled her sight as her breathing became harder. She couldn’t recall how long she was out for, she had regained consciousness she had seen two ambulance guys and a police man talking to her neighbour. Marie had gained enough strength to tell them what had happened. She had pleaded with them to help, but they had told her it was a domestic thing and they were powerless. Marie stayed in hospital overnight, then a nice man from the Salvation Army came to see her. He offered her a place to be safe. From there Marie took Sam to court for Anna, it was a long drawn out process.

During this time Sam had tried to get her to take him back. He had told her that living with his father was ripping them apart and he desperate to have his family back. Marie once before fell for it, this time it was different. Where the unit she was living there was a house. Which housed a mother of two kids. The lady was called Kim, she asked Marie a couple of days after moving into the unit where she was going. Marie not wanting to be rude told her just to the park which was opposite the house. Kim kept a close eye on Marie. Kim had pulled Marie into her house a week later when Marie tried to go back to Sam because she wanted her daughter back. Kim had a daughter and a young o9n who was the same age as Anna. Kim had Marie busy with her son and daughter while she r4ang the nice man who gave her the safe home.

He came to the house and asked why she was going returning to her possible death. After 5 hours of talking Marie had made her mind up to stand her ground and not to go back. Kim had stood by Marie with court, and the access drops on the weekends with Anna. Kim ended up dealing with the hand over due to Sam constant imitating Marie to the point where Marie was constantly frightened. Which at one point Marie was going to pull out of the court proceedings for Anna.

Marie continued with the help of Kim to keep going. Marie went to court and lost, while they were waiting for the judge to make his mind up. Sam with his friend Mark, came up to Kim and Marie. Sam told her that since she wanted Anna so bad he was going to pull every dirty trick in the book to stop her from winning. Marie fighting tears asked Sam why, ‘because, I want her, you are going to keep her away from me!’ Sam smiled his smile he used when he lied about beating her or just didn’t want to tell the truth to someone. Then his response mortified Marie. “Yep I'm doing this because you want her so bad.”            

Marie had left the steps where Sam was laughing, and headed to inform her lawyer who did nothing, even though she had Kim besides her backing her up, which did no good. His lawyer brought up things from her childhood, Marie couldn’t work out how he knew about things she had forgotten. This question was answered when his lawyer said “I have a letter from your mother and step father telling myself that Anna would be better with my client.” He had gave the letter to Marie while she was in the docks. As she read what they had put in the letter, what she read was like a stab to the heart. I know I should be impartial in this but Marie has raised two kids and she has always put her kids before herself it’s hard for me to see her as anything else as a loving mother. But that is just my opinion. After all was said and done that day in court. The judge had told both of them that Anna was going to be left in Sam’s custardy. Marie told me how after going to her lawyer that Sam had pulled Anna out of day-care because he owed them close on $200.00 dollars. Her lawyer said he would look into it, never did thou, even with all the court orders broken, still nothing, after constant calls and visits. She kept getting the same line. Then one day after yet another fruitless trip to the lawyer, she found another lawyer. She stood there at the front of the office, deciding if she was going to go in or not. It wasn’t till she saw a young woman about Marie’s age walking out with a child around Anna’s age, talking with the man next to her. Slowly Marie made her way into the office. It looked like most office space owned by a lawyer, the lady who was on the phone held up a bit of paper; which read ‘busy, please sit down, I will be with you shortly.’ After about 10min’s a young man came up to her and asked if he could help. After Marie spent about hour and half with him, she found a way out to get her baby back, this plan feel through as Cindy said no to giving her the money. Not long after this Marie had to leave town for her health, a years later she was able to see her daughter but it was short lived. Once she had turned 6yrs old Sam stopped sending her, she didn’t know what life her baby girl had. But that is a story that is not mine to tell.

The years were not overly kind to Marie; she fell hard after she lost her daughter, Cindy had paid a hit man to kill her and her baby son. Which didn’t take place; she was told by someone who knew the person in question. Marie moved to the other side of the world sort of, Marie spent a long time on her own; in 2004 she had her daughter. Once more Marie was single and has been for most of her daughters’ life.

 She has grown in the time I’ve known her, she may not be the strongest person I know, yet she has inner strength. As I was finishing these last words to this sad tale which has taken three years to write, I asked her what she would like this story to do, she turned to me and very sadly said. “If my story saves one child from the life I had; that would make opening old wounds wealth all the sleepless nights over the years.”

 Clair closed the back cover. She looked around. She could see a new woman coming into the house, with a little girl with her. She seen the woman that calls her baby bear. Clair in that same moment seen Marie walking around with her cell phone to her ear. It had dawned on her.

 Marie__ Vicky’s friends was Marie. Her eyes opened wide. She knew. Quickly climbing down out of the tree she was heading to Vicky’s office. As she got closer to the house. Marie had started walking toward her.

“Vicky has……..” Marie had start to say as her eyes seen the book in Clair’s arm’s cradled like she was being protected from an invisible peril.

 That look told Clair she was right. Marie slightly put her hand out to reach for the book, but must have thought better of it. Because she turned and left without saying a word.

Clair went into Vicky’s office and sat the book on her desk. Then on a bit of paper wrote three words. ‘I will stay.” Then left leaving the note on the book. The woman who always scared Clair, came up to her.

“Baby bear.” The woman said.

Clair looked at her, scared. The woman stood there just looking at her. There was a moment of silence.

“Well baby bear, you’re going to go and grab your share of the chocolate cake?”

Clair looked puzzled. The woman in front of her changed her stance. She gently placed her hand on Clair’s lower arm and said in a soft tone.

“Baby bear, you don’t get some cake now then you will, well you will miss out, ok?” Then smiled before walking away.

 Clair took a deep breath and knew, her road wouldn’t be easy but if Marie could do it, so she could too.






Sunday 26 November 2011~started 5:41:33 PM


Monday, 1 September 2014~finished 10:17:00pm


Last words wrote on the 18 November 2014 at 11:32am.



Reader’s letter


            Thank you for taking the time, firstly for picking up this book and secondly for taking the time to read it. Now you may or may not have noticed that I’ve wrote this in the third person, I’ve done this for one reason and one reason only. This is not a story that I could write myself so I pretended to be someone else to make it easier to write.

            It has taken me 3 years to write. I have done it, finally. It’s odd how it feels like a weight has been lifted. I had a talk with my eldest daughter who is now an adult about this. It was strange yet wonderful to sit there and get her views on writing this book. Of cause she asked why I’ve not wrote it before. I gave her a simple answer. I was waiting for the right time, which was when I faced my ex-partner. That man took a lot from me, more than I could possibly convey to you the reader.

          Yet I survived, maybe not all intact, but who is when one goes through something like this. I must say there is help out there if one looks for it. I found it, as will you if you need it. This book may or may not bring you to tears or to feel sad or even mad. I will only say this, my dear reader. If you see something going on, and you can help stop it please help. I know what you’re thinking what she is talking about, after reading this you will know and understand.

            I think at times, I wonder what life would have been like if I took a different path, and then I look at my baby girl, and think why? What’s the point? I have three beautiful children who I would not change for the world. My eldest has her problems, but I'm not going to go into that one, my son has his quirks, and then there is my baby, well she is stronger than I. Then again all my children are strong in their own way. I do draw my strength from my kids. At times I feel like the child and not their parent.

            The names in this book have been changed. Not for any other reason, than to tell this story. I found it easier to write it this way. Sonya, who is in this book, she was my best friend and at times my protector. It’s strange I know. She helped when I needed it the most. I could have changed her name but it would have been wrong.

            My kids think I'm this strong person; they will be shocked to find this is not the case. My eldest and I had a chat over an ex-boyfriend coming back to show his head. Now normally this would not be a problem. You see I have big huge trust issues, I think this will change in time, but this is not the point I want to make, the point I want to make is this, and I have let my trust issues cloud my judgement at times. He may have just wanted to see how she is doing, which is not a bad thing. But in the quest to give her my thoughts on this I have let slip that I’m not as strong as I point out to everyone. I once told her that we are not victims we are survives. In part this is true, we have survived, as I sit here I think at what cost. Not money wise but personal wise.

            It has taken a toll not just in relationships, in friendships too, I’ve been hurt so many times it’s like the first thing I think is, if I was to let someone in that close, would he do anything to make me scared of him? Or is he going to get so angry that he is going to hit me? This is the sad truth of my being; it’s sad I know I have thought of trying not to worry about these sorts of things. Yes not every person is out to get us, let alone make us feel that we are not worth anything. It’s taken years to finally stand on my own feet and say “This is my life and this is what I want stand for.” I think if we are to show are friends, family are kids that we are strong and powerful in our own way; I feel we must believe to cause if we don’t how they are?

But on the other are we doomed to live life forever seconded guessing are selves?

            The question I leave for you reader is this. Once you have read this sad tale, and you have come to this question. “WHY?” “HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?” The most important question of all.


                                    “Am I or are we survivors or victims?”


Once you have worked that out, then the light we seek out of the darkness will show us the way home.

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