A relatable story about three men, who to varying degrees have taught me about the difficulties, beauty, and complexity love brings.
The first one who walked through my open door of innocence will and did forever leave an enormous imprint on my impression & ideas of love. I should say the first one to swoop me off my feet, which at 19 I didn't know that a human could experience such extraordinary feeling.
He and I had a fairytale romance, which I don’t suggest for your first lover, for me it forever scarred me, and still although my feelings for him are over him there isn’t a day of my life I don’t think of him.
When I say fairytale romance, I mean our first official date was at Disneyland, and I would say the majority of our outings would lead us to that magical land.
I didn’t think that that man would ever leave me and if it weren't for mythical fairy tales from thousands of years ago that somehow made it into the minds of modern day humans he probably wouldn’t have.
Sometimes I think I write about him too much, but then realize this is
meant for an audience, I wouldn’t even call this writing because writing has become my restorative opening.
To release the pain and lashings, my heart has endured. "A," you will forever be in my heart, I will never stop caring and loving you. I miss you sir, and wherever you are, I hope you are happy.
The second boy I’m going to mention was the absolute definition of an almost lover. He almost had me; I began to fall. Unfortunately, he fell faster, and harder than I did. He had the potential to be the one. He failed in understanding and empathizing where I was in my life. He had never loved before in turn meaning he had never grieved the loss of a relationship. Those damn first highs we never forget.
This next one I’m going to mention is still in limbo and the reason being is because he is the long distance lover. The one who came out of left field. I’m sure we have all had one, the two of us met the summer before last, spent about 36 hours together and then he was gone, off to his home in Guadalajara. Summer romance never lasts.
I know I write of “L” a lot too, as I could see him just maybe someday in my future. I thought he would just be a fling, then forget about me and that would be it. But, one year and six months later he still contacts me, and we keep in touch at least once a week.
Guadalajara shows me the ex-lovers have made my spirit bitter at times; I expect the worst. I have found assuming the worst is the best shield protection against emotional pain.
One of the few reasons I’m thankful for my first and deepest love. He opened my eyes to how love can blindside you just as fast as heartbreak can. It can come unexpectedly at any hour, any moment, and you stare into their eyes, and unless you've experienced it yourself, it's impossible to put it into words. A few ways it's been attempted to be explained:
-“You just know.”
-“You can’t help but have the goofiest grin imaginable.”
All these efforts of explaining something so precious are right; you stop thinking about ANYONE else. It’s the most amazing high one can feel. If I could intravenously inject love directly into my bloodstream, I would have overdosed years ago.
I was going to sum this up by writing about one more but, as I was writing this, I decided two things, one that person isn’t worth my thoughts. I have eliminated his toxicity from my soul. He is an unfinished "Art" piece that will never be a masterpiece.
Love has taught me more life lessons than anyone or anything else. From being on my own, suffering, caring and doing it all over again.
The loves I felt to varying degrees, from a year long relationship to 36-hour summer romance that may not have ended even still have all educated me into the 25-year-old mature man I am today.
To the three of you, I love you all, and would never speak an ill word of any of you because my love comes with no conditions. I am so thankful for the love you have shown me for it has guided me most in my life.
love & art, 1991