BIT OF A GENIUS = AMAZON'S HALL OF FAME (HAVE YOU EVER...?)

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humour escapism (could be in "Opinion" but it's more "Story")

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO THROW AWAY ALL THE RULES AND LIVE A LIFE OF GAY ABANDON WHILE BEING HAILED AS A QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL?

Come to Thailand and become a doctor without any tiresome training. Yes, it’s true. Just forget all those university courses, those years of cutting and hacking, those endless sessions with the experts. Just jump on the plane and when you arrive here you will be qualified. Well, isn’t it just a dream come true! Like the world of self-publishing where we can make up the rules as we go along, so too will a relatively short plane-journey and a relatively small incursion into your savings give you your heart’s (medical) desire. You won’t be able to practise widely (but you don’t want to because you’re also on holiday) but you will be able to buy any number of pills of all sorts and self-medicate yourself into excellent health. Bring the kiddiwinks, too, and good, old hubby. They sometimes ail and you can give them whatever you think they need.

THIS IS WHAT THE UK GIVES YOU — ABSOLUTELY NO COMPARISON WITH THE FIRST PHOTO!!! 

(Photo comparison test answer : Glory of numberless medicines / Unglory of wretchedly dearthful limitedness)

But I digress. To continue :

BIT OF A GENIUS = AMAZON'S HALL OF FAME

As for self-publishing, you don’t even need to hop on that plane. I intend to publish twelve books in the next two and a half days. How? may you ask. First, I need to say I’m a bit of a genius so it isn’t that difficult. Second, I need to say I have a longish novel which I’m going to publish as one book, then I’m going to rearrange the chapters and publish it again. Then I’m going to publish it “experimentally”, that’s with stranger and stranger layout. (Are you counting? That’s already three!) Then I’m publishing again with an introduction and explanation and construction and deconstruction and reconstruction of the very same text to enhance the diversity of words and the plain looniness of its author, that’s me in case you hadn’t realised and thought you were reading a brilliant tract on how to engineer the world through your Word. Anyhows, as you can see, my plan has already got me into Amazon’s Hall Of Fame, seven books in about twenty-two minutes (and that’s with a break to take my yaba*).

            Oh, so you don’t want to be a doctor and you think self-publishing is like putting needles into haystacks and then searching for them. You want to be a policeman. No problem. As long as your pension is being paid into an account you can work for free here in Thailand in the voluntary service. You can patrol Walking Street in Pattaya and tell drunken farangs** not to drink, love-lorn farangs not to commit suicide, fighting farangs to calm down and stop biffing your nose. All good fun.

            OK, OK, so I hear you asking me about teaching English. Absolutely no problem. Just do it. Have you got a lowish grade in English? Do you spell “pronunciation” “pronunshun” on a good day? Absolutely fine.

            Some of those more astute readers may be wondering if there isn’t a middlepath between the horrible meritocracy of the brilliantly qualified in the developed world and the strange world in Asia where some of what I’m writing actually happens, an Asia, moreover, which is not doing that badly despite having so many waste plastic-bags that you could build a Kilimanjaro with them, that’s a range of Kilimanjaros. The answer is that middlepaths or middlemarches are not easy to envisage. I’m getting a bit upset trying to sort this conundrum out so it’s down t’local chemist to buy whatever I fancy. I think I’ll go for some tranquillisers, some sleeping tablets, some anti-yaba medication and seventy-seven bottles of chang beer (from the local 7-Eleven not the chemist). Oh, and mustn’t forget the testosterone injections to help the flagging flag unfurl.

            Goodbye and good riddance (eeer, that’s you saying good riddance to me).

*yaba – a drug similar to speed which translated literally means “medicine mad”

**farang – tourist (but also an insulting word like gringo, too universally used for me to challenge the entire Thai population and ask them to be politer)

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