A story that takes place in a talking head
Here I am going out with a smile on my face,faking it until I actually make it.I am trying,but I am tired.While I am sitting in the metro,all I want is to scream at the top of my lungs.I have so much love to give ,yet I hate this world sometimes.It's one of those days that I feel dead inside,nothing makes me happy.
I actually enjoy the taste of tea ,I like to light a cigarette as I drink my tea while I am sitting in my balcony and I listen to the birds.I am one of those fucked up minded people who falls in love with every single beauty of this world,yet sometimes my demons catch me and screw up all my happiness.While I struggle ,trying to get out from the sea of darkness and hoping to not to get drowned,nobody has a fucking idea of how much I am trying to stay alive.
Here come the worries...I torture myself thinking about the future ,I don't see it bright,probably I will be all alone, I am almost sure about it because I don't let anyone enter in my world completely,it freaks me out to think how vulnerable I would become if I would do it.I don't want to lose anyone ,so I prefer to live lonely,despite I have my loved ones ,I keep them distant so that when I am gone they won't suffer as much.
Misery loves company , and I am a good company of misery.I sometimes walk away from it,but it is like a narcissistic lover who wouldn't leave you alone to heal ,it keeps coming back and tricks your mind so you fall again.You can have short happy moments but it will find you,not to kill you ,but to steal your soul.
I breathe to feel a bit better but my heart is hurting,like if it was burning with every breathe I take.I went out from the metro and I am walking at the street while I am looking at the clouds.Suddenly I feel like I can change the world.I feel an unbearable desire to live.I don't know how this is possible,but after ten minutes I start to feel totally different.
The power I have is simple:Anger.The anger I have deep down inside my soul is my source of life,that is what keeps me fighting.
I have the strength to start all over again every day I wake up,I can go through all those tortures that my lover misery uses on me,despite the tragedy intrigues me because at the end of the day it is the only truth of life,I am not going to let the misery steal my soul,instead I will get the benefit it gives me and transform it into something else.That will be my revenge,all these times I backed myself off from life because of it,now I know how to dance with it.It can't kill me.
I am not just a talking mind,neither a beautiful soul nor I am insane.I just don't have time for things that has no soul,like Bukowski says,I have my madness.I will not let the world eat me and destroy my own world,which is so much bigger than this desperate place.I can be in the sky flying or I can get burned in my hell that I created,I might fall ,I might get up,I might love ,I might hate,I might be a best friend or a worst enemy.One thing I will never become is a body without a soul in it,even when I die, I will leave something behind in the memory of every person I meet so that I will live in a room in someone else's soul.
As I was thinking all these,I arrived to the cafe I go all the time,sat down,ordered a coffee with a little milk in it,"No sugar,thanks." I said while I thought which meathead can forget that I don't put sugar in my coffee despite I go there every fucking day.I don't like people who can't pay attention to details.
As I sipped my coffee and lighted a cigarette,I thought,everything was awesome.
I am the strongest motherfucker I have ever met.I am a creep but I am unstoppable.
My lover misery was walking towards me from across of the street.I thought,maybe I should find something else.I have my friend anger,but I need a lover other than misery.I ignored it and it started to beg for my attention but I was too contented to be bothered.
Until I find another lover, I will keep myself busy with beating the shit out of myself by working I thought.
I will not go out unless it is necessary,I will stay at my room and read until my eyes hurt,and think until my head feels like exploding,and write bullshit until it sounds like if I have any idea about life.
I took another sip of my coffee,lay back and felt a peace in my mind for the first time after so many weeks.
Life was beautiful and full of mysteries and adventures.