the opening of "Sexy Thai Bar Girls And Me"

The bars are full of them and they just won’t go away. They tell me I am the sexiest. I buy them all drinks and we toast to my sexiness. I am about to leave when a baht bus draws up and twelve short skirts descend  and make  for me. I catch a glimpse of patterned knickers as they pull their skirts down. They are shouting out, “Hello, sexy man!” The first group of drop-dead, gorgeous lovelies disappears and their seats are taken by the new twelve. I buy them all drinks and we toast to my sexiness. Like before they are drinking and texting and another baht bus roars to a stop.


Twenty of the most beautiful and sexy jump out and head for me, adjusting their skirts, trying to pull their hot pants down just a bit, while my second lot of companions go sit with other bar guys. That gets me going. Those lovely bar girls sitting with those ugly bastards! But no matter. My hands are full.

               LOVELY BAR GIRLS

The new twenty need refreshing and I buy them all drinks. We toast to my sexiness. I am staring into the mirror and I notice I am blear-eyed. Time for beddy-byes. Another baht bus draws up less noisily than before, and eleven smiling sexy bar girls jump out. Their skirts are short-red. Honey limbs to make the horniless horny approach. 


Everyone is smiling. One or two are actually grinning. “Hello, sexy man, one dwink for me!” they are saying. I am groggy. I need convincing. Two sit on my lap. One sits on my head. There are shrieks of laughter. I am convinced. I am suddenly surrounded by hundreds of bar girls as sexy as slender cobras.

               HUNDREDS OF BAR GIRLS

They are all thirsty. Thailand is hot. They are hot. I am old. I am calculating that my pension can just about make it. It does. I am now staring at just about the sexiest, loveliest, Thai-iest bar girls in the world. When will this parade of luscious eye-candy end? I wake up in hospital. They tell me I could have died. They tell me I am yellow. They tell me to lay off the alcohol. I mutter I am a sexy man and immortal. I dream of getting back to the bars. I am a pattaya expat.

               I AM A PATTAYA EXPAT

from chapter one of "Sexy Thai Bar Girls And Me"

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