Animal I Have Become

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I fucked up. You didn’t need remind me on a daily basis. In a perfect world we would have turned out differently. Been different people with a better outlook on the future. A better handle on ourselves. Sadly, that is not the way that things wo...

I fucked up. You didn’t need remind me on a daily basis. In a perfect world we would have turned out differently. Been different people with a better outlook on the future. A better handle on ourselves. Sadly, that is not the way that things work out.

Everywhere you go you see that the world isn’t perfect, and we aren’t either. Far from it in fact. We were probably meant to end the way we did, in a tangle of limbs and lust, fire and ice, followed by the cold silence that sits so heavily on me. We’ve always been that way, huh? Since day one, just you and me letting ourselves burn together. Ending up as nothing more than ashes on the ground.

We were an end fated from the beginning. The final chapter in a book where the reader skipped to the last page. That doesn’t mean I have to dance for joy.

I’m sitting here, drinking coffee I can’t taste and watching life go by that I’m not part of instead of lying next to you. Feeling your body on mine. It’s funny; the city almost seems to breathe, rising and falling in tides of people like the steady rhythm of my lungs.

Walls surround me and I press my hand to the brick and mortar. Knowing what lurks on the other side and dreaming of ways to escape. I listen to the blur of sound at the café instead of feeling the whisper of your words in my ear. Your teeth on my skin and the pain of my heart shattering.

Sometimes I miss you so much it hurts; then I remember those nights in the country. There were chirps of cicadas and the distant gurgle of the stream we never found. I reached for you, hoping we could move past it all, make a fresh start.

You were disgusted. You punished me.

It must have been a pleasure for you, making me pay for my indiscretion while your girlfriends babbled ammunition in your ear. Plugged into the social media and having your opinion uploaded to you one gigabyte at a time. Those damn women, turning you away from my attempts and souring my sweet intentions.

My honest and heartfelt fucking attention.

You don’t seem to understand, mi amor; it was always you and never her. She was nothing, and it was supposed to be her fate to be used and forgotten. I guess I’m what you say I am-a scourge and a lowlife, a man. You don’t think I realize that what I did was wrong? That I kept secrets from you? I’m not stupid.

I know what I did.

But what about you? I grew up in hell, I saw things that no child should have seen or experienced. So of course I was bound to mess up and to follow in the footsteps of those who came before me. Fate, again. A pesky bedfellow.

You have nothing to hide, I suppose? No influences from your past that still affect you? What do you have buried? Sorry for not admitting daily that I was the bad guy here. As if I didn’t know already.

Shit, girl.

That doesn’t excuse the way you acted. You should not have come back just to punish me, to use me as your tool for revenge. The innocent one, so fanciful and dreamy, needing to punish the criminal. A goddess in her ivory tower. Immune to the grit and grime of man.

I treated you like a princess! And in reality, instead of punishing me, you made me realize that we were an inevitable outcome. I was never good enough for you, was I? I tried!

Money thrown in the gutter would be better spent than what I did for you. I was furious, but I still tried to make you happy. You knew I was never going to make the mark. You shouldn’t have treated me like that.

I made my choice, and my choice was you.

You couldn’t see that? I tried so hard, and you threw it all back in my face. Things just don’t work out the way you want them to; you need to learn that. The world doesn’t revolve around you, and sometimes shit happens.

I’m still sitting, half the day gone because I’ve been thinking about you. The coffee in my hand is stale and there’s no way can I drink it now. What a waste of money. What a waste of time.

That damn waitress hasn’t even come over to offer a refill. I see her standing at the other table with her hip cocked and pen brandished, ready to strike a word.

The coffee is tar staining the inside of this pristine cup. There’s a ring forming around the lip that can only be cleaned with bleach and a dream.

I really am invisible. The man with the smoker’s teeth and the mountains of paper that were nothing but practice. But don’t you worry. I’ll go on in this unstable world without you, rebuilding my life. I will erase you and it’ll be like you never existed. Maybe I’m the one who needs that bleach.

I could still be angry. No, that’s not true; I know that I’m angry over what you did. Maybe I just don’t want to admit that I hurt over losing you. I can’t be sure anymore.

For a while afterward I was delusional, I’ll admit it. I tried to convince myself that everything was going to be alright. I’ll tell you, I honestly thought that we had a chance, that we could still make it work. It wouldn’t have been perfect, but hell, was it ever? At least we would have each other.

I know better now. You should never have come back to me. You should’ve stayed gone. I’m pissed for believing that we could have had a second chance. I was weak. I looked in your eyes, the same beautiful eyes, and you made me…

 Hope.

 

 

 

THE END

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