On going Lost in Space..

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a slice of my intended book

Bowie's Last Album.
Bowie's Last Album.
Bowie's Last Album.
Bowie's Last Album.
Bowie's Last Album.
Bowie's Last Album.
Bowie's Last Album.
Bowie's Last Album.



Catcher in the Rye.



Art.



Death.

Suicide.

This Poem.



It's rare that I get these moods
But
Tonight
Would be a good night to commit
Suicide.

The mood is right
There's just enough rain in the air
Just enough melancholy
Just enough awareness of
Everything and
Of Everything being
Just a tad too
Much.

Death.
Slide into it like a pool or a
Dream.
Slip into the ink
Octopus black ending.



'Play Gin Rummy' heralds a voice in my wilderness, 'you'll win' and I laugh, thinking I'm being played with by my own dancing, laughing, playful spirit. But I'll fucking play... Play? Play. It's a word I can't get my head around... Play.. Life's a Game? 'Play your cards right' this notion of chance which is so sublimely perfect as analogy. Walk off a cliff.. Into a bee's nest.. Snake! Bear.. Bar.. Bare bar brawl, bare assed woman.. Row.. Lampost... Dream... Luck.. Walk into Lady Luck and fuck her, win the lottery, CHANCE! Play Monopoly. Live.

Amy Winehouse.
Robin Williams.

Some people get to you very differently from others.

Win the lottery. Go to rehab.

Do you hit it by trying to hit it, or by trusting that you're hitting it and letting it happen. 

Never weigh success in money. Blessed are the meek.

I think today, after frustrated unrequited sex dreams, I've learnt to embrace both my loneliness and my moods. I'm ok relationship wise and for where I'm at, at my age, all for my age... I'm ok. I'm on the right track and Time moves slower, when I put care into what I do. I walked past someone I've slept with yesterday.. I couldn't sleep with someone like her again, nay, shouldn't, sleep with... She does take a hell of a lot of drugs and I no longer do. That is the way things are supposed to go. So, I've woke up moody, but I'm playin moody music, embracing it, the mood, the day, the rain threatening weather and all that is. It feels good to accept what is. Wise. Embrace. My new word, in my New Age Vocabulary. 

Mid Life Crisis: delicious mixture of age, crumbling, wisdom, growing, figuring, putting the jigsaw of life back together again, until it re-makes sense, but then figuring it never really will, then laughing about it all, then crying, being fearful in a room filled with people you know, then not feeling scared, feeling strong, proud, confident. Then walking home after a good night and watching a 'my type of movie' on Film 4.

It's like being trapped. Inside of something unexplainable. There's a fire, which burns within, the Spirit, which lights up the unexplainable, by fighting against it, mostly with reason and a nobility in the fight, because we'll never win. Man is constantly fighting the unknown, this force he cannot understand. He seeks to understand and control everything, even, eventually, death. (How to visualise this? Ha)
The Light shining into the Dark?

Man As Potato. April 2016. This early work shows paulbeckerblut as an organ of God, humorously, as he searches for & creates his own Meaning.

So many silent and not so silent, wars are fought between people. Out of ignorance, fear.. We All rely on each other, always at the mercy of other people, in groups to whom we belong, at work, or people behind desks, or in positions of authority, in positions where 'They' — the awful they — can influence, or control our lives. Everything is with Us, So it is important to learn how to live amongst our fellow men and women in harmony. My neighbours who are ignorant and small minded move about in their flat, beneath mine and boil with their own hatred for me. It consumes them. "Paul sits upstairs, sometimes in silence.." they told my housing manager, with whom I recently met, "Pretending to be quiet, but really he's listening to us." It consumes them, they hold their resentment, they drink most of the poison, but, it partly consumes me, as I live here, because of what I know, knowledge here becoming a negative.. Gasp! I know 'too much.' Sad. Sad state of affairs and, I often desperately try not to Haaaaaaaaaate! Them back. I mean I try and maintain what I think is Human and right. It's hard work. It'd be easy to become negative.. And sometimes I do.. I fantasise about various modes of horrible responses.. So I guess I should here not be frightened of what I feel, but maintain a rule of not acting it out.. Continuing to ignore them. Silently. Warring. Like many others are, all over the world.. It's never just you.

A cafe in the rain. Seated drinking water, feeling faint, looking at art on the walls, listening to jaunty music in April. 

@paulbeckerblut: Going cuckoo slowly has little to do with income. You can be rich, or poor and still go cuckoo slowly. Perhaps it's age, but I'm screaming.

@paulbeckerblut: And I'm nearly gone..like in an auction.. I'm going going.. Like Carrie made my eyes bleed & I'm staring out ya tv screen Lost confused fkd

@paulbeckerblut: Nurses are tucking me in, bed pans are sliding under My white sheets, my midnight madness, my stephascope swinging Dr at Large saying o he's

@paulbeckerblut: Gone alright. & I am. Light's off (or burning somewhere? LIS in joke) light's on, lights flickering REM Dream State daily whilst awake SOS

@paulbeckerblut: Insanity looks down at me sorry up n says 'Honey! We've been here b4, this part's a repeat, I tell ya, but ok honey another one 4 da road n

@paulbeckerblut: I'm gone! & she blew like that. Strawberry blonde with a popsicle voice n some freckles n it's all Dizzy Gillespie From Here to Eternity xxx

@paulbeckerblut: n age makes ya slip like that. This is an old love affair n like in all crazy I 4get her name's Sanity, n das just another part of it

@paulbeckerblut: Editor's note: It wouldn't be logical for Insanity to leave him. Otherwise he'd be ok & we wouldn't publicise anythin he wrote. Sanity outro

L loved to kill Mosquitos.
It's true we don't always do the things we used to do.
We age
Change
Evolve into something
Either far
Less or
Far
More
Depending on how you
Choose to
Look
At
It
All.
Then we're off.
To see the wizard
The wonderful wizard of Oz.

Bitten on the foot head toe arm.
They like the arms.
I'll kill em first if I can
Chase em
Stalk em
Fuss to corner n kill but
Question my right to take life a little
One more blood meal for him or her
One more heart beat.

Hoping they never get my bare cock
The Jap's eye.
Tonight.
I'm after mental health episodes
Approximately one week's worth of disquiet.
Where to lay a poetry prose central main line in here is a mystery to me.
Anxiety paranoia suicidal ideation disquiet
They like the trauma
Hope they don't get my bare cock
My sane cock
My cock of health
My mind's cock
My mind is my cock
A loaded cock
With which to kill
A
Mosquito.
Or you.

@paulbeckerblut: Mid Life Crisis. A woman. A conversation. My foolish heart. My maths is bad. Time & The Universe were 5 mins ago. I leave gps in the story
@paulbeckerblut: I think back & "Laugh at it all again.." Leonard Cohen. All? It was only 5 mins ago. Time? I see below my last tweet has hit on Time too. ¤
@paulbeckerblut: Laugh at it all, mostly me, not her, how I feel about it all.. Tons of it, that stuff in Time, that Summer Lovin Space, in Space deliciously
@paulbeckerblut: Deliciously Lost I mean, in mid life.. Walking into walls & dark corridors, walking out holding question marks, lookin back, laughing walkin
@paulbeckerblut: Off the edge of a cliff, laughing, looking back, laughing as I hurtle down, 2 seconds to go, 5 mins ago, loving the Space I'm Lost in..Time
@paulbeckerblut: A Woman inspired him you say? I see.. Lay down here a while.. Ok, what Time did he meet her? Hum.. S'gonna be difficult but I think I can
@paulbeckerblut: Handle this case, some precedent here you understand? Yes, artists, writers, idiots, you're all the same then, what? Why back then, in the
@paulbeckerblut: Good old days & the movies. Take a look at this it might flip a switch. He dims the lights & rolls the projector, I get a strange sense of
@paulbeckerblut: De ja vu & a warm tickling feeling begins to flood my insides.. Creativity is a Road the movie boasts, with many Time portals & worm holes
@paulbeckerblut: Every Artist is like a compass, a Light, a lantern, a map.. You? You're a legend kid I wouldn't sweat it, but here's where I leave & you
@paulbeckerblut: Mail me a cheque in the post. He left & the lights came back on. I felt clammy & the room smelt of honey. Humm, so.. A Woman? Kinda figured

When I take myself through life's tapestry, what, I ask myself, am I interested in? Well, there are books, there are ok there's so much of Everything. Which bits are dearest to my possibly torn twisted n battle scarred heart? My Mother. My children, my siblings, my friends, my Loves, more than anything else. Then my freedom. My mind, my thought, my art.................................... What about my art? What is my art? What is art? This. This searching of my soul to see what I feel, in the many parts of it. About the many parts of The Great Equation, which is so vast that it is hard to know what one feels about so much of it. This deeper awareness of what I am. Lest I go through The Journey having never known myself. I like to know what I feel and I don't want to be a carbon copy of every other Man. My thoughts replicated as if Churned out by Machine, until I'm lost in a blind senseless haze of carbonate mirror and I can no longer tell myself from my compatriots. But maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I'll need that.

I know that as I'm living I'm savouring each moment. Having a deeper relationship with life. Loving it profoundly more, until I have to let it go. So, if I'm quiet, whilst the Men in the crowd I'm in are talking, it is not a problem, to me. I know what I'm doing and why. Mostly. 

Catcher in the Rye.


When you know what it is & why it is & why you do it how you do it & that it's all ok because you know it quietens your aching soul.
That soul which will always ache, because it's a soul. The Human condition is akin to a beautiful creature which rises from the sea to sing, a sad, deep, beautiful song, before being dragged back down to the bottom again for all Eternity.

Rye in the Catcher.

Love leads The Way like a Boulder
Like a Mountain
Like a Searchlight
Guided
By the Past
The Aching eons of
Time
Hurtling forward
Always
Destroying the Future.


Poetry Critique.

In the 1st line
'Love leads The Way like a Boulder'
we get a sense of weight and momentum. Perhaps indicating the weight of the heart, or power of passion, or the security of love. Either way this use of the word boulder is open to many interpretations and if the boulder is rolling, then it is certainly a strong and solid enough object to 'lead the way.'
This feeling is reiterated by the use of 'Mountain' with a tact change in
'Like a Searchlight' again here reinforcing the nature of Love, the search of the soul to find a mate and then perhaps the notion that love can lead, by lighting the way forward.
'Guided
By the Past
The Aching eons of
Time' shows the inseparable nature of time, in literal terms, into the man made realms of 'past' and 'future'. Time is one continuum, one Journey. The word 'aching' is about the human condition, about the ache of existence, love and the slow creaking nature of Time, as it spans the abyss.. Perhaps. Because and but then this is dramatically contrasted with 'Hurtling forward' as if this abyss is leaped, at least within the mind's capability, the past and the future here again reaffirmed as inseparable, everything existing in the moment. The now being all powerful.
Then lastly we have the rather interesting use of the phrase, 'Always
Destroying the Future'. This is not meant negatively, there is no sense of woe here although perhaps open to some sense of lament, but rather of power and definiteness. Time will always move forward, the future therefore becoming the past and of course in this sense being 'destroyed.' I find this line rather dramatic and there is always lament in the passing of Time. Herein nostalgia. Love perhaps a very heady concoction of all, of the above.
   

 
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