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Here I am stuck between worlds, watching the person I am assigned to, and wondering why I ever did what I did. What did I do? I killed myself...

             Here I am stuck between worlds, watching the person I am assigned to, and wondering why I ever did what I did.  What did I do?  I killed myself.  I broke up with someone I had loved, well he dumped me.  I felt like I could not live without him so… I was tempted by the razor in my shaver.  I remember the blade as it sliced through my thighs, the pain was brief, before I could bleed out too much I slit my wrists.  There would be no way from them to save me.  The last thing I heard was the drip, drip, drip of my blood as it hit the water.  I remember thinking the swirls of blood were gorgeous; they were like a fabulous painting.  I smelled the metallic scent of my blood as the coldness of death over took me, and my vision faded to black.  The next thing I really remember is waking up in front of a dark figure. 

             “You have taken your life because of love, Allison.  So I will give love a chance to save your soul.”  The dark figure stated.  He must be death.

            “Huh?”  I was confused.

              “Love took your life.  I will give you a cance to save your soul.  You must help another head down the same path.  Love must save your soul, and his.”

            “How?  Who are you?”

            “You will be assigned a ward, you must get them to say ‘I love you’, and mean it.  And if you succeed, your sill will be spared the eternal torment in hell.  I am a keeper of lost souls.”

He told me I would have a chance to redeem my soul, something I had not thought of when I had grabbed onto the temptation the razor offered.  “I want that chance.”

          “Show him life is better.  Show him that love is not dead.  Find his soul mate, and when he says ‘I love you’ and means it, you will be released from your punishment.  He snapped his fingers and I fell from the sky and landed on a black leather couch. 

            Meet my ward so to say, his name is Adam, and he ran again from another relationship.  The man is hot, he has bright blue eyes, and unruly black curly hair, and he works out, and you can tell.  And the trouble is he knows it.  He is also very rich, so he is under the impression that people only love him for his money.  Not his mind and quirky ways, like being a gamer, or the fact that his sense of humor can be dark.  He really is a nice guy.  He donates to a lot of children charities; he spends his time with children who have nothing.  He gives out scholarships; he is truly a good person.  I wish I had met someone like him when I was alive; he is a perfect man, money or no.  You should have seen his face when I was dumped in the middle of his apartment.  It was classic, but after about ten shots and a lot of explaining he seemed okay with it, well he was going to deal with it.  I remember the conversation like it was yesterday.

              “Holy… Who the hell are you?  Where did you comve from?  Get out!” H was confused; he had seen me fall from the sky.

             Of course I was also dumped quite nude into his place, so we had to find me some clothes.  Thankfully I could put clothes on!  I sighed.  “Can I get some clothes?”  I was nude because I had died that way.  Also, though I was a ghost, the wounds that took my life remained imbedded into my very soul...   If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have slit my wrists and thighs, and I would have worn that tiny black dress I had made just a few weeks before I died and taken some pills.

            “Here!”  He threw me a shirt that lay on the back of the couch. 

            “I can’t leave.  I am assigned to save your life and soul.”

            “What?”  He slumped back down on the couch. 

            I spent the night explain to him who I was and how I can to be in this situation.  I told him my boyfriend was abusive and then he left me and I took the easy way out.

            He passed out soon after I explained it to him, he drank way too much, but it was a lot to be thrown at a person. 

              I tried to go to my family after he passed out, and found out that he is the only person that can seem me.  That saddens me most of all.  I wish I could tell my family I am sorry.  Sorry for what I put them through, what they will always have to live with.  I wish I could tell them that it wasn’t something they did, it was me, and I knew how to hide my depression.  And how abusive my relationship was, but I cannot.  I visit my family from time to time and my sister wears my favorite little black dress all the time, the very one I wish I had died in.  It saddens me to see my family in so much pain. 

            But my focus is now on Adam, and saving my soul from hell.  I have been in this limbo land for three years now, and he has still yet to mature enough to say I love you to anybody.  In fact out nightly conversation is generally the same.

            “Why go out?  I have you.”  Adam said as he dropped his brief case and came over to where I sat on the couch.  “I mean you are a lot more like me than anybody else out there.”  He said as he plopped down next to me.

            “Adam, I am dead.”

            “Pity, Ali, it is a crying shame that that piece of garbage drove you to take your life.”  He said as he traced my scar on my wrist.

            “Let’s just focus on you.”  I said and ended the conversation.  After ending the conversation, I generally lead him to the club, but we normally ended up leaving without a single prospect.

            I enjoy living with him, I fell for him even.  But I was never to be his soul mate.  I am dead.  We are so similar, and like the same things.  I often find myself wishing I had found him in life, instead of in death, but things happen for a reason.

            Thankfully I don’t have a time limit I have until he dies, if he dies without saying those words then I fail, I will be stuck in limbo forever, or sent to the very bowels of torment, hell.  So, it is not like I am not trying!  I have talked him into plenty of relationships, however he always runs when he feels like he might be falling in love!  I am about to strangle him, and now he hasn’t been on a date in over a year.  He just continues to ask, why he should go out when he has me at home.  I just roll my eyes and keep reminding him that I am dead.  He always reminds me that it is a pity that another man drove me to take myself from the world.  He thought I was quite interesting, and much better companion then the women I kept telling him to ask out. 

            One day I sat there filling my nails, or pretended to, so I could pass the time, as I can’t really file them.  I waited for him to come home from his job, which was being some big shot investment manager on Wall Street; I figured with a new bar opening up I can find someone else to set him up with that night.  As soon as he walked through the door I knew we were going to fight again.

            “Adam, I told you we are going out tonight.”  I stated, as I stood up; I wore a cute little outfit I had made from some fabric he had bought me.  He was good to me, and again the pang of regret that I didn’t hold on to my life for someone like him.

            “I don’t want to go out to find my so called ‘soul mate’!”  He stated, as he made the quotation marks with his fingers.

            “You don’t know what will happen if you don’t.”  I stated and went to his bedroom and started to pick out his clothes for the trip to the club.

            “You keep saying that, like it is some horrible thing that will happen if I don’t find someone to say ‘I love you’ to.”  He stated, and followed me.

            I sighed.  I couldn’t tell him what happens to me if I fail; it is in the bloody rule book.  Who knew a ghost would have a bloody rule book?  “I told you I can’t tell you some things, but you could end up going down the same path as I did.  I don’t want to see that!”  I yelled back at him.

            “Why?”  He asked, as he grabbed my wrist and pulled me away from the closet.

            I flinched; remember my last boyfriend, and the violence I endured.  I pulled my arm away, and he let go right away.  I just glared at him as he sputtered his apologies.  “It is fine.”

“No, it is not, I never should have touched you that way.”  He stated, as I started to walk away he pulled me back to him, he held me in his arms.  “I should not have touched you that way!  Look at me!”  He said, as I looked down at his chest.

            “It is fine let’s just concentrate on you!  You have a chance in this world, I don’t anymore, and I took that chance away from myself.  I won’t take it away from you!”

            “Why?”

            “Why, what?” 

            “Why don’t you want that for me?  Is it just to save yourself?”

            I looked up at him appalled at his question.  “NO!  I truly care for you.  I love you; you don’t deserve what happens when people like me do what I did!  I don’t want that for you!”

            He just smirked and bent down and kissed me.  It seemed like time stopped.  “I love you.”  He whispered against my lips, he kissed me again before I could respond. 

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the being that had met me at my death.  He smiled. He waved his hand and the next thing I know my heart started to beat again, and I could feel myself change as I came back to life.  There was a large burst of light and a voice.  “Don’t make me regret giving you a second chance at life.” 

I smiled and knew that this time around I wasn’t going to make my same mistakes.  Adam smiled at me, and I at him.  “I get a second chance.”  I took his hand and placed it above my heart so he could feel the beating, as I could.

            “Good, then it won’t look so weird when I marry you.”  Adam stated and then kissed me again.  And everything, for once, was right in the world.  Even if for just that moment in time.  After all life is made up of little moments that define us, make a life or even take a life.  I learned my lesson in that moment.  But sometimes you get a second chance, a second perfect moment.

 

Copyright 2012 Katherine Rochholz All Rights Reserved

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